Seeya bye Latvian government! Whammy!
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
