Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
