I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
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