as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
Randomize
