Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
Randomize
