My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
Ill go to bed but tamed sharks isnt so much of a bad idea. Not for riding
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
