the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
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