I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?