My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
i dont care about people's attitudes as long as they give me head
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family