I'm pants shitting drunk right now
it wasn't lemon gatorade
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
Randomize
