Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
Randomize
