im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
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