happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
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