he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
Gay?
German.
Pity.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Randomize
