I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
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