when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
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