Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
