I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
Randomize