So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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