Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Randomize
