I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
you made out with another girl for some wings
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize
