He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
