he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
I look excited, but its just a facade.
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
Randomize
