I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
Randomize
