New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
He def has a gf... But hes 7 feet tall and that superceeds any morality I may have.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
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