that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
Hooked up with 8 guys, puked 4 times, got a few bruises, and my face is still numb... I think this visit has truly impacted my college decision
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
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