I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
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