youre lurking in front of me
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
