I think most guys look at porn as a fallback career. I mean I know I do.
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
Your cock deserves a montage
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
Randomize
