I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
Randomize
