remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
so for future reference,at what point did you feel like a line had been crossed?
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
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