highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
Randomize
