I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
So..he puked on my dress and I had to walk back to the dorms in his little sisters Scooby Doo pajamas.
I don't know you.
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
Well that's not true. She had two social skills. She kept them in her bra
halloween costumes for girls are easy, slutty teacher, slutty cop, slutty nurse, etc...
exactly, that's why i want something interesting
slutty neuroscientist?
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
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