I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
you ever wonder how lesbians feel about girls being in relationships with other girls on facebook? could it annoy them more than it annoys me?
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
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