I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
I'm eating all of the evidence.
It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
does wine, beer, and vodka mix well??
dude, everything can mix, this is college.
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
Randomize
