i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
Randomize
