Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
its liver damage thursday
Randomize
