brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
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