two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
My gyno told me the birth control she prescribed reduces sex drive
wats the point then?
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
I'm not the type to go to a guys house...in your case his boat...and sleep with them..I mean I have in the past but I'm trying to be more serious and grown up
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Randomize
