Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
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