I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
Randomize
