My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
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