Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
I'm pretty sure "tag teaming" and "looking for stability" are not synonymous.
Not yet.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
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