She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
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