One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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