I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
The reality is I'm 24 and I have terminal breast cancer. Fuck yeah I'm going have sex with every hot guy I can. What, am I gonna worry about getting an STD or pregnant at this point? If I'm gonna die, I want to have any many big dicks as I can while I'm still able.
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Randomize
