I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
Randomize