are you so shy because you have an std?
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
