So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
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