I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school..
Aren't you in 8th grade?
9th, but that's not the point.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
Randomize
