her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
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