There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
Randomize
