So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
Randomize
