Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
I forgot wine drunk hurts
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Randomize
