Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
I hope to God it wasnt poon. That odor was unnatural, it was satanic pussy.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
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