Kareoke will never be a sober sport
dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
just wrote a 6 page paper on my blackberry. including 3 sources. college is teaching me good things so far.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
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